Thanks to Facebook

I posted on Facebook recently that I am the mother of an addict.  

I just finished reading the book titled "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff.  Thanks to my beautiful daughter I was able to dive into this man's experience and realize to some degree it is also my own.  I discovered the truth I have been keeping from myself in order to protect myself in some way, only to be enabling and harming my own beautiful boy more than I know.  

As I type this post I am thinking how I am the mother of an addict, the daughter of an addict, and an addict myself.  There are so many addictions to choose from.  So many ways to disconnect from reality and hide from the truth.  To turn away from God instead of going to Him to get through the muck.  My drug of choice is work.  If I was not dedicated to my belief in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints' doctrine it could easily be an intoxicating substance.  How grateful I am for my testimony and my desire to be worthy to enter the House of the Lord, even His holy temples here on earth.

With that said, every day is still a struggle.  Since I visited my son a few days ago I have been in a depressed state.  Coming to terms with what his true drug of choice is.  Realizing how long I have been fooling myself and allowing him to keep me fooled.  As the reality sinks in I find myself reverting to another drug of choice; isolation in my room.  I fear the work drug as I do not want to go there again.  I used a business I have for years to escape the pain I felt from a life changing event years ago.  Although I could find work to do in my shop I choose to stay away today.  While that drug paid the bills well, it also paid its toll on my family dearly.  Something I can never get back.  So today I went back to bed at 9:30 to awaken at 1:00.  I spent the next 3-1/2 hours doing nothing much except contemplating if I should or not get this blog up and going again. 

I give thanks to all the friends and family who commented, gave encouragement, reminded me that I am not alone.  Because of you I am writing this blog today.  Although I say it is for me I know we are all interconnected and as much as I would like to believe I'm doing this for myself, there is a part of me that believes I am doing it for God as this is a way that He is helping me Become.

Be blessed and well,
Selené 
 
 

I am ready to be healed

"Consider how you actions undermine what you value.  You can pray that the Lord will help you see yourself and your life as He sees it--with all your divine potential--and what you risk by continuing in your addiction."  This is what stood out for me tonight at I attended my first group meeting with the LDS Addiction Recovery Program.  I was finally able to see the "workaholic" tendency I have when I started school last week.  I believe this is one of the reasons God told me to go back to school so he could "show me my weakness" in order for HIm "turn it into my strength".  He's been showing me for years but I never recognized and I have given up and lost much from my stubbornness and pride.  Thank you, Lord.  I am now ready to allow you to help me heal.

Officially going back to school

I know there are thousands of people my age going back to school for various reasons and more power to them, but a few months back while I was sitting in my bedroom meditating and quietly reading from the Book of Mormon and God said "you needed to go back to school and get your degree" I was completely taken off guard.  I wasn't seeking any wisdom as to where my life was going and/or if I should be pursuing such a thing or anything for that matter.  My mind was too consumed with how much of my time has been dedicated to wayward teenagers, an ailing parent, two businesses, keeping up a home and marriage and managing debt.  The timing I thought couldn't have made less sense.  God however obviously has a plan and the more I think about it the more it makes sense that this is the means for me to take care of myself and like one friend has said "to take back my power".  I thought I was doing well to take an hour every morning to pray, read scripture, read from a self help book and journal.  I also meet with two friends for a few hours on Tuesdays to visit and share an energy that brings all of us some sort of abundant gift from our visits.  They don't come every week yet its awesome to check in every week and share what does transpire.  These activities help me feel better about myself and bring me some peace and balance; apparently God feels that's not enough.  So here I am about to set off on a new adventure that I am both excited and terrified of.  All will be well and I know that great things are coming out of all of this.   That's what happens when we allow ourselves to do His will and not ours.

I remembered how to get here:)

Life has been, well life the last several months. 

At the beginning of the year I felt impressed to write a blog.  After a short time I felt pressured to sit down and write something.  It was all from me.  I thought I needed some great event in order to say what I felt or what may have happened.  What's up with that?  Is there someone out there I'm hoping to impress?  Will I be judged if I do it wrong or I sound stupid?  Yeah right, check your ego and get over it.  

As  reflect upon the last few months I see the hand of God in everything I've done, every encounter I've had and I am grateful for it and maybe just maybe I will make time to sit down and share some of it.  For now however I will just enjoy the fact that I remembered how to get here and do this, that Spirit reminded me of what I originally set out to do and when I'm ready it will be here waiting for me to light up the page. 

Make your life great, enjoy the journey no matter where you are or what you are experiencing because life is a cycle, there will always be a calm after the storm and God will be with you through it all.

Being a mom is truly the most rewarding thing a woman will ever do and how easy it can be to blame yourself for how some things turn out. Then you ponder and realize you did the best you could with your children; you taught them the difference between right and wrong and the values you hope for them; you hope with your entire soul that they will learn the lessons they have been given so they can be stronger and better from it and that they will have the strength to overcome the judgements that people place upon them for what they think they know.

No one showed

Every day God testifies to me that He and all his angels are conspiring in my behave.

I planned a presentation for my business today at a local restaurant.  There is an awesome dining room with a big screen, all the electronics and leather sofas.  My goal is to have one a month there during the lunch hour and I was so excited to get  these meetings going.

I invited over 15 people since the time I set up the meeting and made all my reminder calls yesterday and his morning, mostly voice mails however I had a few commitments.  I arrived early, set-up my displays and ordered lunch.  I got the DVD in the player, the DVD player set-up to play and then I relaxed and enjoyed my salad.  

Two of my team members showed up and even though they had invited many people it sounded like none of them were able to attend.  When it came to start I had one guest.  She was very excited already and really wants to join me in business so I am very grateful she came. 

There was a group of ladies in the other half of the room having a birthday party so there was a lot of chatter.  When it came time to start I did my regular introduction and preceded to start the video.  Nothing happened.  When it did happen, it was not where we wanted to start.  I tried a different DVD, again nothing happened.  I made my way into the kitchen and the owner was eventually able to help me.  

We started the video 30 minutes late.  A second guest and current customer arrived about this time to hear more about the advances in the research.  She stayed for the video and ended up visiting most of the time with one of my team members about the science.  She is now taking all that new information to a friend that may become one of my customers.  I am so grateful she got what she came for even if it wasn't from me.  My other guest had to leave as soon as the video was over and we will connect on what she wants to do.

There were two other women eating lunch in the same room that I and one of my team members shared information with.  They have her phone number and she will stay in touch with them.     

 
The ladies at the birthday party were members of my church so I gave some of them some information before we all left and answered some questions.  I also invited them to the presentation at my house next week and will give them a reminder call for sure.


I am so grateful for the no shows.  It definitely was not what I had visualized however I would've been so stressed and discouraged with a "full house" and all the disorder.  Their absence made me more determined to talk to more people today.  As I ran my errands I handed out five business cards and directions for my website. 


I am at peace knowing that God delivered to me all the people that were/are ready to hear the message of health that I have to share.  I am excited to check back with all the "unexpected" contacts and feel that as things move forward I will be a vessel to help them have greater health and well-being in their journey.


Namasté


 

My husband and I have been together since middle school, that's a long time.  Tonight when I said I don't lie, he commented that I've lied to him before.  Considering we were kids when we got together that probably happened at some time.  I was a very different person then.  

When I asked him if we are living in the past or in the present,  he replied, "I live for tomorrow because of yesterday."  Very nice.  I was so impressed. 

I love it when he says something profound.  I realize that we truly are soul mates and that he really does listen to the things I share with him.  I know with him I can have peace in the journey because he is helping me create a part of my journey.

Namasté