Thanks to Facebook

I posted on Facebook recently that I am the mother of an addict.  

I just finished reading the book titled "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff.  Thanks to my beautiful daughter I was able to dive into this man's experience and realize to some degree it is also my own.  I discovered the truth I have been keeping from myself in order to protect myself in some way, only to be enabling and harming my own beautiful boy more than I know.  

As I type this post I am thinking how I am the mother of an addict, the daughter of an addict, and an addict myself.  There are so many addictions to choose from.  So many ways to disconnect from reality and hide from the truth.  To turn away from God instead of going to Him to get through the muck.  My drug of choice is work.  If I was not dedicated to my belief in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints' doctrine it could easily be an intoxicating substance.  How grateful I am for my testimony and my desire to be worthy to enter the House of the Lord, even His holy temples here on earth.

With that said, every day is still a struggle.  Since I visited my son a few days ago I have been in a depressed state.  Coming to terms with what his true drug of choice is.  Realizing how long I have been fooling myself and allowing him to keep me fooled.  As the reality sinks in I find myself reverting to another drug of choice; isolation in my room.  I fear the work drug as I do not want to go there again.  I used a business I have for years to escape the pain I felt from a life changing event years ago.  Although I could find work to do in my shop I choose to stay away today.  While that drug paid the bills well, it also paid its toll on my family dearly.  Something I can never get back.  So today I went back to bed at 9:30 to awaken at 1:00.  I spent the next 3-1/2 hours doing nothing much except contemplating if I should or not get this blog up and going again. 

I give thanks to all the friends and family who commented, gave encouragement, reminded me that I am not alone.  Because of you I am writing this blog today.  Although I say it is for me I know we are all interconnected and as much as I would like to believe I'm doing this for myself, there is a part of me that believes I am doing it for God as this is a way that He is helping me Become.

Be blessed and well,
Selené